The Most Lovely New Beginnings
I started this blog with a discussion of motherhood, and my best friend due to give birth. My last blog was while I was in despair over the end of a friend's life. Six months ago today my best friend gave birth to her son, and the next day I attended the memorial of my friend Patrick. It seems life is a never ending cycle of ends and beginnings, all around to humble, inspire, destroy and create.
The past year has been nothing short of an example of that for me. I am humbled beyond explanation from the self-esteem-destroying experiences of the last year. At the same time I learned so many lessons and started on a whole new path. I am 22 years old, with a Bachelor's degree, and am ecstatic over gaining a part-time receptionist position six months ago. I'm ecstatic to be making money again; I'm ecstatic to have a purpose - however minor it may be; I'm ecstatic t be contributing to the financial responsibilities I hadn't been able to bear for my several months of unemployment. I'm ecstatic to have the freedom again to do anything I want, because the burden of unemployment ran so deep I felt paralyzed.
When I look at this situation objectively, I realize I should maybe be reaching for the stars and having more ambition. But that's what a humbling experience does to you, it makes it so even the smallest victories are like a dream come true. It makes it so every positive experience is a life altering new beginning. That's what it felt like when I got this part-time job that a high school graduate is just as qualified for, that's what it felt like driving to see my best friend's new baby, and that's what it's going to feel like every time anything good happens. Since I have had this job I have been promoted twice and I know things have to be looking up for me. I know things are getting better. When you've fallen so far, there's only so many directions to look, and up seems the only one worth it right now.
The Most Lovely Rut
I'm in a rut. I have been, on and off, for about 5 months now. I graduated from college exactly 6 months ago tomorrow. After graduation, I spent my first 2-3 free weeks just relaxing and settling in to my new life, since I had just spent 18 years straight in the education system (pre-K, K-12, 4 years college). I moved to Houston and settled all my stuff in with my boyfriend's stuff in his apartment. I went to go visit my family in San Antonio for a few days. Basically, I spent three weeks getting a handle on the transition out of college and then got burnt out on having nothing to do. Finally, my fourth week out, I started the job hunt. This marks the beginning of my first rut.
I spent weeks applying to jobs and the only word back would be a rejection. I was astonished. Previous to this my confidence was sky high. It had always been an breeze for me to get a job. I usually interviewed well, my resume and cover-letter generally got great responses when critiqued, and I finally have a legit education. I thought I would have been able to get a job easily, so it baffled me all the more as to what I could be doing wrong. I became very aware, very quickly that the current economic climate was not conducive for recent college graduates, like myself, to get a job or really start our lives in any stable way. In this particular situation, however, knowing what the problem is does not make it any less of a problem or any easier to deal with.
After this initial plummet in my confidence and confusion over the general direction my life was going, I became immensely depressed and really went through a big crisis. What am I doing? What do I want to do anymore? What should my next step be? How can I justify living with someone when I can no longer contribute financially? Was it a good idea to move to live with my boyfriend when I have no other connections here? These were all questions I just repeated to myself along with the misery of feeling like I completely lacked purpose or ability. Eventually I would try to force myself out of my funk, get re-inspired and apply for a ton more jobs and get shot down a ton more times - and the cycle would repeat itself.
I lose count of how many of these motivation-to-rut cycles I have gone through in the past six months. I got called for two interviews, neither of which developed into anything. I eventually applied to Target, Walgreens, Central Market, Whole Foods, and several other jobs that I am over-qualified for but would love to work just for the income - none of which I got much more than a rejection from. After completely settling and still being rejected, I spent most of September and half of October relatively solitary and inactive - I had basically given up. This was my longest post-graduation-depression/rut; it was significant, but would end soon.
After some personally significant life events occurred in October/November (family crisis, best friend's baby shower, other best friends' wedding, visiting with my college buddies for the first time in a while, and starting a gig tutoring my cousins), I felt like I needed to make some changes and get back on the horse. I have tried for the past month to regain my fervor, my motivation, and that confident initiative I had six months ago when I walked that stage and was so optimistic about how things would turn out for me. I feel like I am definitely still in a rut, depressed and having an identity crisis, but it's not as bad as the ruts before.
I'm not sure if I can get back all of that confidence and passion, or if I am just permanently jaded. At the very least, though, it feels like everyday I make a baby step towards being a normal person again, or I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. For some reason, I don't know why (definitely not because 'people' say unemployment and the economy are looking up, because I sure don't see any evidence of that), I feel like my life is going to start again soon - it's surely feels like I haven't had a life of my own in quite a while. I don't know what I'm looking forward to - maybe at the very least just volunteering - but I know this is the best, or most inspiring, rut I've been in so far.